7 of september of 2016: Hello

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Hello, virtual diary,

it has been a while that I realised I’m different. Things that before I used to love to do, don’t give me pleasure anymore. I’m uncreative, I’m having problems to concentrate and I have 10 millions different moods in a single day, I look like the weather in São Paulo.

Yesterday, 06/09, in one of my frequent nights when I go to bed and can’t sleep, I thought that it would be good to put out what I’m feeling, if I feel something. But, I don’t have anyone to talk. I feel distant from my friends and my family would never understand, so I decided to write an online diary here on the blog, because I don’t think anyone reads it lol.

I’m not going to post everyday, just when I have something I think it’s interesting to say. Also, I won’t care about pictures and the visual of the post, sometimes it’ll have photos, sometimes won’t. I don’t want it to be something planned, I want it to be something sincere where I can share what I’m feeling without caring about texts and judgements. I want to be able to document the lots of nothing I’m doing to try to get back to normal. Also, I want to say that I’ll keep with the “regular” posts (if I can finish writing any).

Today was a holiday, not that it makes any difference to me, since my life became an endless boring holiday, but it means that my parents were at home too.

The high point of my day was when my mum flipped out because my dad didn’t shredded the chicken the way she wanted. The shouting was so loud that I went to the kitchen to shred the freaking chicken. And this is basically all the family days we have had at home in the past months. 

The other only moment of my day that deserve to be cited here was that I had a nightmare last night. I have never had a lot of nightmares, but in the past months they have become more frequent and with something strange: I can’t control them anymore. Ok, let me explain.  

In the sporadic times I had nightmares, I could control them. Not that I could fly or turn invisible, nothing like that, but I was conscious that I was dreaming, that its was just a nightmare. Because of that I could calm down and think clearly in the dream. Sometimes the nightmares were repeated, like when I dreamt that a horde of zombies attacked the hotel/club where I was with my family, so I already knew what was going to happen and I could change my actions or prevent such  thing to happen.

Today, all I could do was to wake up with my heart almost jumping out of my chest, so scared I was. I’ve never cared a lot about my ability, but on a second thought, I’d love to have my “super power” of control dreams back.

The post turned out to be longer then I thought, but I promise this is not going to happen again.


Carolina França.

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